Monday, April 28, 2008

HERE I STAND

A terrifying illusion is at play in my life. I know it to be a lie and yet it persists. It tortures me and mocks me and gives little space to breathe. My brain screams to turn away and yet my heart cannot hear. The illusion (all is not well), has long been in hibernation. The falsehood kept at bay as consciousness and awareness have flowered. And yet I can hear it (all is not well); it booms and swells with unheard of tenacity drowning out the truth slowly slipping through my fingers. I am scared. Irrational fear to be sure; yet fear nonetheless. Fear that the lie (all is not well) is stronger than God. Fear that the lie IS God. Fear that the lie is becoming the truth. And companioning with the fear; a new friend... depression. An unfamiliar place. A perplexing apathy. A confusing desire to retreat, to hide; to enshroud myself within blankets and darkness. The sun becomes my nemesis; my closest confidant a dreary day. I am spiritually adrift.


Family of origin. The breeding ground of such falsity (all is not well). The wellspring of loneliness; the persistence of shame. The fundamental idea of brokenness. Overt mother and covert father; paying it forward. A generational inheritance. Toxic conditioning. Destructive input. A need for respite. Food; glorious food. A miracle, to be sure. Temporary immunity from the madness. A friendship; a bond built on desperation. I willingly sign away what I ought to treasure most. And off we go. Fighting a mythical war never declared. And losing... always losing. The casualties build at a breakneck pace. Yet we persist. No retreat; no surrender. And so it goes. I grow larger; ever larger. The manifestation of my allegiance; a denizen of food's mad realm. And finally... finally... the fragmentation of denial. Abstinence appears. Liberation at last... or so it seems.


Recovery brings untold riches. Exponential growth becomes the touchstone of a life beyond imagination. Ensconced in love and protection by a power greater than human power. Arms open to others who seek the same. A clear path to salvation. All is well.


A missing piece. An absent stone in the foundation. An unconditional love of self. Without judgment... without demands. An adoration of the darkness and the light. A warm embrace of the yin and the yang. And so the prodigal addiction comes home to roost. Slowly at first and building momentum with each passing day. A result not unexpected; frightful in its familiarity.


And so here I stand. Awash in utter disbelief. Stunned by these circumstances. Shamed. Lonely. And listening to the lie (all is not well). It's so loud. How do I make it stop? I've forgotten. I repeat the mantra. All is well... I am taken care of... The path is before me... But still the refrain (all is not well). My vigilance persists; prayer, meditation, mentor, study. They bring no solace. I feel everything. It hurts. I seek anesthetic; and then I don't; and then I do; and then I don't. Consistency eludes me. Hopelessness so hard to fend off. I hear it (all is not well). It's a lie... isn't it? It is. Right? It is. It is. So loud. The secrets will kill me. This I know. And so... here. Here's my truth; as I understand it.

God Bless You,
Michael

1 comment:

Hi, my name is Julie said...

You are not alone, dear friend. I too, was force-fed shame. Communicating self-loathing seemed to facilitate acceptance in my family of origin. I too, have that unsettling thought in my brain. I believe (for me) when the thought originated it was not a lie. It was, in fact, a God-given thought that kept me safe. All is not well - hide, act the clown, RUN, defend, pretend, fight... Today I try to embrace the thought when it comes up. Hello old friend fear - thanks for getting me through, etc.. If not for that same thought - I'd probably never have the honor of being your friend. God Bless you too! Julie